With candle between legs (column)

Was the bar for infringing behavior much higher in the past? I don’t think the women who were victims would agree. Pain and trauma have no time. Johan Derksen told the “candle story” on Today Inside (VI) on Tuesday: He would have placed a candle on (or between) the legs of a drunk and unconscious woman at the age of 24. Afterwards, the gentlemen at the table had a good laugh. With questions about the size of that candle, until Rene van der Gijp said that the woman should be happy that there is no baseball bat in the room.

First of all: I think VI is a good program, precisely because of the unpolished opinions of the gentlemen around the table. So was my grandmother, Sultan. When I showed her my new bikini, she said, “No, you shouldn’t wear a bikini with your body. Just wear a bathing suit,” she said. Like Johan Derksen, my father always says exactly what he thinks. And don’t think he’ll apologize if he hurts you with a comment.

That’s why I grew up with hard, raw ideas. But a hard, unadulterated vision also has its limits. Johan Derksen went further than that with his “anecdote” about a “free-spirited” past. Before telling his story, he said he was ashamed of it. But I don’t like to say “it was part of the zeitgeist”. We don’t know the whole story, because after a day the candle is no longer ‘inside’ but ‘in between’. This is exactly that of the author Roxane van Iperen he said on twitter: these are passers-by, what do passers-by do in such a situation? Why didn’t anyone at this table or in the room say, “It can’t be, it’s going too far”?

And then the cri-cri reactions of guys who say, “Yeah, but you can’t do more like a man or #MeToo.” This is nonsense. It’s about respecting a woman. As a guest on the show on Wednesday, I felt myself – the discomfort of the men at the table as I spoke, and also of the lawyer who called during the show.

Yet I was there. Because I always think it’s important to talk to everyone. Don’t laugh at such jokes. In the Netherlands, one in eight women will be raped at some point in her life and one in four women will be sexually abused. Not to mention sexual harassment and extreme behavior. Almost all women, everywhere, will experience this in their lifetime.

But what happens after that? On last night’s show, Derksen admitted he was wrong: he took the blame, even though he said he wasn’t sure who to apologize to. He also said he wanted to stop her, although it was unclear whether that would actually happen.

I can keep the VI. The program represents a fraction of the population and I’m not part of the cancellation culture – making sure no mistakes are allowed. This goes against the freedom of expression, which is very dear to me.